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The Importance of Creating & Sharing Goals as a Couple

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Many authors, from Viktor Frankl to Deepak Chopra, have discussed the importance of living a purposeful life. It is purpose that allows us to transcend ourselves and create meaningful moments. Frankl believed that a pursuit in meaning in life is far more important than the pursuit of happiness, as meaning connects us to our past, present and future.

It can also be said that purpose in a relationship is more important than happiness. Relationships that last are the ones where two people create shared meaning; where goals are set and met alongside each other. A healthy relationship involves building a life together where dreams are not only visualized but come to fruition.

My husband and I met on this day 24 years ago. We’ve been through many difficult times, but we work and create really well together.  While happiness is a feeling that can eventually fade, meaning and purpose are everlasting. We have somehow managed to always find a common goal to work toward. When we complete one goal/project, we come up with another. Despite our conflicts, we’ve created a beautiful life and wonderful memories this way. With this in mind, here are 3 ways you and your partner can create and share goals together.

Commit to Creative Time

Couples are often encouraged to commit to a “date night” once a week to stay connected. While having fun together is definitely important to the relationship, it is no more important than creating together. Be sure to set time aside each week to create a shared vision and figure out how you’re going to make that vision become reality. Planning and having something to look forward to is a wonderful thing! Get out some graph paper and sketch out your dream ?whatever?. Imagine a trip you would like to take and start doing some research together. Picture what you want your life to look in 5-10 years and make a list of what you need to do to get there.

Be Open

During your dreaming and planning hours, it’s important that you both be open to what the other has to say. Dreaming and planning your life is not the time to put each other down for ideas or questions. Being open and non-critical will create an environment of respect and safety, and this is where magic can happen. To be honest, I’m not as open to my husband’s creative ideas as he is to mine. We are so different: artist/counselor vs engineer. However, here is what I’ve learned over time: When I am open to his influence, the things I dream up actually get done.

Share Responsibility

Once you have come up with your goal (i.e buy and renovate your old dream home, adopt a child, change your career and make a big move, plan a 2-week cross country roadtrip with your kids, open a new business) and devised a plan of how you’ll get there (for my husband, this involves charts and spreadsheets), it’s important you BOTH see the plan all the way through to the end. Be sure to keep yourself and each other accountable and support one another. Remember, you’re on the same team – but you each bring unique talents to the game. Cheer each other on and celebrate how your differences make you stronger!

In order for your marriage to thrive, it is vitally important you both commit to spending quality time together dreaming and planning, being open and respectful to what the other has to say, and share in the responsibility of seeing your dream come to fruition. If you can’t find energy and excitement in dreaming and planning or your communication is too troubled to make plans…consider seeking the guidance of a couples counselor who can help you reconnect and tackle any issues you may be having. At critical points, my husband and I sought the counsel of professionals. Counseling helps.

If you or your partner is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me (615) 415-8884. I see ALL types of couples. I would be delighted to speak with you about how I can help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

3 Ways Family Therapy is Often Misunderstood

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People new to therapy often don’t know what to expect. They only know what they have heard about it. But there are many misconceptions surrounding family therapy, and I am going to debunk 3 of the biggest ones now.

1. Family Therapy Takes a Long Time Before You Get Results

Many people’s perception of therapy is of someone laying on a therapist’s couch for years, attempting to work out their numerous problems. So, when parents hear the phrase “family therapy,” they assume it is another form of ‘infinite therapy.’ But not all therapy takes a long before offering positive results.

In fact, from its very beginnings, family therapy has always been considered “brief therapy.” The goal of family therapists is to quickly resolve conflicts within a family, offering skills and tools to family members so they may move on to live healthier, happier lives.

2. Family Therapy is All About Blaming Parents for Children’s Problems

Perhaps the biggest misunderstanding about family therapy is assuming each session will focus on blaming them for their children’s problems.

This desire to stay away from blame is understandable. After all, parents of children who are having problems already feel terrible and guilty over their child’s struggles, they certainly don’t want the finger pointed at them or labeled dysfunctional.

But the goal of family therapists is not to place blame, but rather to ensure each individual is heard. While it may be necessary to point out areas where parents could adapt and grow, a therapist is ultimately there to work collaboratively with parents to bring about positive change.

3. The Whole Family Must be There at Every Session

Talk about a scheduling problem! The thought of having to get every single member of the family in the same room at the same time each week is a nightmare to most parents, who find it hard enough to get everyone to sit down together at the dinner table.

While some therapists prefer everyone be there, few assume you can make this happen. Sometimes parents and a child or children will be in the session together, and sometimes it may be just the parents, or only one of the parents. A good therapist understands the complexities of family life and will be flexible in working with everyone’s schedules.

Family therapy is quite different from individual talk therapy, and much of what you may have heard about it is simply not true. Family therapy is can quickly bring about positive changes and allow family members to reconnect and heal dynamics.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

3 Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

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Self-doubt can be debilitating. It can hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living the life you really want. Self-doubt can also make it hard to complete necessary daily tasks and make simple decisions.

The good news is, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and quiet that negative self-talk. Here’s how:

1. Take Charge Immediately

When inner doubts start to creep up, many people let them spin out of control and fully take over. Once this happens, it’s incredibly difficult to regain control.

It’s important that you take charge immediately and stop the negative talk as soon as it begins. In your mind, speak to yourself and say something like, “No. Nope, we’re not gonna do this.” Should the negative talk start up seconds later, talk to it again and put it in its place. Doing this interrupts your thought patterns – which are basically thought habits – and eventually your inner self-doubter will realize you’re serious and retreat.

2. Remember, You Can Always Make Adjustments

Many times, people are so fearful of making mistakes, they take no action toward their goal. But reaching a goal should be thought of as going on a wonderful car trip. You have a map and a basic route planned out, but along the journey, you may decide you want to hop off the highway and try a scenic byway instead. You may decide to backtrack and stop at that cute little souvenir shop. Sure, all of these changes to your initial itinerary may add a little time to your trip, but you’ll still get to your destination. And you’ll get there with more photos and T-shirts and wonderful memories!

Trying to plan every single move you will take to get to your goal can be exhausting and impractical. Just take the first step, then another, and then another… and remember, you can always change your mind and adjust along the way.

3. Talk to Someone

Self-doubt can easily become distorted and exaggerated when you keep all of your thoughts to yourself. But, when you speak to someone and let those thoughts out into the light, you have the chance to hear how exaggerated they may be. Also, talking about your doubts with a therapist who is supportive is a great way to gain a fresh perspective.

If you or a loved one is afflicted with self-doubt and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem

How to Create an Authentic Life

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If creating an authentic life were easy, everyone would be doing it. Sadly, life has a way of pushing us off track, having us focus on extrinsic motivations as opposed to our intrinsic desires and dreams. Why does this happen?

When we’re young, no one really tells us the importance of living authentically. We’re told other things are important, like getting good grades, making the varsity team, going to the right college and getting the right degree. We make choices based on what others think we should do rather than on what we think we should do.

Then one day we find ourselves in unfulfilling jobs and relationships, wondering about the point of our lives. If you can relate, read on to find out how you can create an authentic life and begin living it today.

Forgive and Let Go

Releasing yourself and loved ones from any past wounds is an important step in living a more authentic life. Holding onto anger or sadness will only be a burden. It’s incredibly important you release all resentment before carving out your new reality. Equally important is forgiving yourself of any mistakes you’ve made in the past. Leave them there and move on.

Have a Clear Vision

You know what hasn’t worked for you in the past, but do you have a clear idea of what it is you really want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to act? Or look? Is your job fulfilling? If not, what job or career would suit you better? What kind of people do you want to be surrounded with in this new life?

You have to really imagine your authentic life. Have fun dreaming about it and creating it in your mind. Visualize as many aspects of it as you can and really feel how it would feel if you lived here. This will not only help you make the right choices but propel you when you find making changes to be difficult.

Challenge Your Beliefs

To be clear, I’m not talking about belief in God or country, or whether little green men do in fact inhabit other planets; I’m talking about beliefs about yourself, your abilities, and your worth.

Since your old life was created based on the old beliefs you held, it makes sense that you would want to challenge some of these. Keeping the same old beliefs will hold you back and keep you stuck.

Begin to study your beliefs and hold them up to scrutiny. Try poking holes in them and see them for what they are. Maybe you’ve never thought you were good enough at painting, a hobby you’ve always wanted to take up. Ask yourself WHY you believe this. Did this belief truly come from you, or your third-grade art teacher who challenged your blue cat and orange elephant drawings?

Take some time to go through each of your beliefs about yourself to understand where they came from and determine if they are serving your life’s best interests.

Seek Guidance

Putting your life back together is no small project and there may be times you feel frustrated, confused, and overwhelmed. While friends and family members may give you a shoulder to cry on, they can’t necessarily give you professional advice. A therapist, on the other hand, will not only listen to you, but offer practical tools that will help you cope with your emotions and leverage them to build the life you’ve been dreaming of.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help you create an authentic life.

Filed Under: General

4 Signs You Might be Struggling with Depression

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It’s natural to feel down or anxious from time to time. What’s not natural, however, is prolonged feelings of hopelessness and despair. When these emotions grab hold, and won’t let go, it is likely you may have depression. Depression makes every day a constant challenge. You no longer enjoy life as you once did. Just getting out of bed can feel overwhelming.

But, through education and therapy, you can overcome depression and get back to the life you were meant to live.

If you’re unsure of whether you are suffering from depression, read on to learn 4 common signs of the disease.

Signs of Depression

How can you tell if you are depressed? It may seem like an odd question, but a surprising number of people do not recognize that they may be suffering from depression. While some signs are obvious, others can be subtle.

Every individual will manifest symptoms in a different way, so it’s important to recognize any changes in your behavior. With this in mind, here are four signs you might be struggling with depression.

Changes in Weight

Depression can affect individuals in different ways. Some people may find they have no appetite at all and, before long, lose a significant amount of weight. Others may find their desire for food increases and they easily gain weight.

Changes in Sleep Cycles

As with a person’s appetite, the changes to one’s sleep cycle can also go in one of two directions. You may notice you feel lethargic and want nothing more than to sleep all day. Then again, you may find you can’t fall asleep and are restless all night long.

Anger and Irritability

It has been said that anger is depression turned inward. If you suddenly find yourself with a short fuse, and things that used to not bother you now cause you to fly off the handle, it may be a sign you need some help.

Physical Ailments

Many people don’t realize that depression can manifest itself physically. It is common for sufferers to feel sick to their stomach with whole body aches. Some may find they seem to have a cold or flu that won’t go away, while others may notice their chronic conditions, such as arthritis, are exacerbated by depression.

It is important to recognize these signs so you may seek treatment as soon as possible. While depression may feel like a life sentence, reaching out for help will put you on the path toward joy and peace once again.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Depression

On Wednesday morning let’s channel “the better angels of our nature.”

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Lincoln mural Lexington, Ky

I have some anxiety about tomorrow and the days to come. Most of us have very strong opinions about who should win this election. While some of us will be relieved and validated on Wednesday morning, some of us are going to be disheartened…maybe disgusted. I’m trying to focus on the “us” in the U.S. regardless of the outcome. I may wind up disheartened or disgusted, but I refuse to get stuck in those emotions anymore than I will relief and validation. People are more important than politics. So, I will let whatever feelings I have wash over me and be mindful of all the family/friends/colleagues/neighbors for which I am grateful.

I am inspired by these wise words, from (in my opinion) our country’s finest president:

“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.” ~ Abraham Lincoln, First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861

No matter the outcome, I will be sending out loving-kindness to US all!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Why I Meditate…

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Deepak’s Chopra

 

I always take a few moments to meditate before I meet with clients. It helps me get centered and call upon my highest self, so that I can be of greatest service to others. My meditation helps me and you.

There are many ways to go about it. I used to practice a very intense form of yoga (Ashtanga), which introduced me to the power of conscious breathing and active meditation. Meditation can be solitary and still; it can be verbally guided; it can include a mantra or a prayer; or it can be as simple as just taking a few moments to consciously focus on the rise and fall of your breath. Before my son took over the task, I used to find mowing the lawn to be meditative.

Regardless of the method, mediation helps you transcend the petty noise and concerns of your ego, and tap into a universal source of peace and wellbeing. If that sounds kind of “out there” to you, you should note that there is solid empirical data to validate this ancient spiritual practice. In a 2011 Harvard study, researchers found that in addition to generating feelings of peacefulness and relaxation, meditation improved morning practitioners’ thoughts and mood throughout their day.

At a lecture last night at Vanderbilt University, Dr. Deepak Chopra educated the audience on the science behind the healing power of mindfulness mediation. Chopra, a physician and endrocinologist, has written 85+ books and given countless talks/seminars on the topic of holistic healing, mindfulness and meditation.

Over the last 15 years I have enjoyed many of Chopra’s books and lectures, so it was a treat to hear him speak in person. He clearly explained the scientific evidence that links meditation to positive changes in brain activity and structure. As a bonus, Chopra led the entire audience in a guided meditation to tap into the profound sense of wellbeing he asserts is available to us all.

For more detailed information on meditation and the research cited above see:

“The Neuroscience of Mindfulness Mediation” by Sarah McKay at www.chopra.com

“Eight Weeks to a Better Brain: Meditation Study Shows Changes Associated With Awareness, Stress” by Sue McGreavy, Harvard Gazette; www.news.harvard.edu

 

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Beauty of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

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This video simply and elegantly explains the theory behind cognitive-behavioral therapy and why it’s so effective. If you want to change the way you feel and act—-change the way you think!

Changing your thinking can be more difficult than it sounds, especially if your negative thinking is deeply engrained and habitual. Cognitive-behavioral therapapy can help. Once you identify your negative thoughts & beliefs, you can begin to challenge and amend them. Through conscious thought, you can create your own reality. Chose to make it a beautiful one!

Why Do I Feel The Way I Feel?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

National Coming Out Day 10/11/16: Resources for LGBTQ Adults/Teens & Their Families

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National Coming Out Day

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I wanted to offer some resources to LGBT adults, teenagers & their families. LGBT individuals still face many challenges and microaggressions as minorities—making them more vulnerable to depression, self-harm, substance abuse and suicide. However, research shows that these risks are significantly diminished when LGBT individuals have family support.

If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning your identity—you may feel, or fear being, rejected by your loved ones. LGBT affirmative counseling can help you clarify your gender and sexual identity and determine how to seek the support of family and friends.

If a member of your family is LGBTQ and you have questions about what it means to be LGBTQ or you are wondering how you can be supportive, affirmative counseling can help you too.

For more information and local support:

PFLAG Nashville provides encouragement and guidance to parents, family, friends as they learn to understand and accept their LGBT loved ones.

OutCentral: Nashville’s LGBT Center‘s mission is to “connect, educate, empower, and build a positive, energy-filled space for greater Nashville’s diverse lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community” by offering a variety of educational programming, community events, and networking opportunities.

The Family Acceptance Project , The Trevor Project, It Gets Better Project are national initiatives to increase awareness and offer support to LGBTQ teens and their families. If you, or a LGBTQ teen you know, is being bullied, harming themselves or contemplating suicide—please seek professional help.

 

*To find local professionals and businesses that support the LGBT community, refer to Nashville LGBT Chamber of Commerce. As of today, I am a “Bronze” level member!

 

 

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Exciting new method for treating treatment-resistant depression!

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TMS~NeuroMed img_0148

A week ago,  I took a field trip to NeuroMed in Nashville to meet psychiatrist, Dr. Daniel Barton, and learn more about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, TMS. Dr. Barton explained that the procedure  directs magnetic pulses deep into the limbic system of the brain, which is under active in people suffering from depression. Stimulating the limbic region, 5-days a week over a 4-6 week period, results in a marked decrease in depressive symptoms for the marjority of clients…and total remission in others.

Dr. Barton was happy to let me experience what the treatment felt like for myself. The procedure was simple, comfortable and the Brainsway treatment helmet was quite stylish! The magnetic pulses felt like little zaps of electricity that made my eyelids twitch, but it wasn’t painful. Although I got a very brief round, the entire treatment usually takes less than 20-minutes per session.

Individual counseling (i.e. cognitive behavioral therapy) is highly effective in treating depression, when combined with antidepressants. TMS seems to be an excellent alternative to medications, so I am eager to see more research results over time. For people suffering from major depression, who have not responded to anti-depressant medications, TMS is often covered by insurance.

If you suffer from symptoms of depression, counseling can help. You can phone me for a free phone consultation: (615)415-8884.

To learn more about Dr. Barton, and if TMS treatment is a good fit for you, call: (615) 861-1000. Visit the website at: www.neuromedtms.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized